A client recently asked me about boundaries. She felt she was having a hard time setting them without sounding cold or standoffish and she was definitely having a hard time keeping them. Here are some tips on the use of boundaries and how they can enhance relationship satisfaction.

Boundaries are commitments we make to ourselves. Some people are reluctant to set boundaries because they want to be open, spontaneous and not put up walls. Yet this is a misunderstanding of what a boundary is and the purpose of having boundaries.

When you buy a piece of property there is a survey done to see where the boundary is. The purpose of the survey is simply to identify where your property ends and your neighbor's begins. Boundaries in relationships can function the same way. Emotionally it is important to be clear that your partner's emotions are not yours. She may be upset about something that happened at work and call you and want to talk about it. If you have strong boundaries, in other words a strong sense of yourself, you will not be tempted to take on her emotions or try and fix it for her. When you have strong boundaries you can listen to another's upset and not take it on personally.

People usually have loose boundaries in relationships when they are not differentiated emotionally. That means they have not really grown up. Being grown up has nothing to do with ones age. I have met people in their 40's and 50's who are still blaming their parents, their boss, or their spouse for why their lives are the way they are. Being grown up has everything to do with realizing that your life and your circumstances are all up to you. It also has to do with having a strong sense of who you are, what you like, what your talents are and where you are going in life. When you are motivated by fear it is more difficult to be grown up. And when you are not really a grown-up relationships are more difficult because there is a fear that if you are really yourself the other person will not like you and leave. So you are afraid to ask for what you want out of fear that the other person will not provide it. Or you are afraid to make a commitment because something better might come along. Or you are afraid that if you get into a relationship you will be swallowed up by it and lose your sense of self.

Boundaries are sometimes used to protect ourselves. People cringe at this one because they confuse protection with isolation and putting up walls between you and the other person. Yet boundaries for protection are all about self respect. If you say, "I can be spontaneous at times, but what works best for me is that we make plans a few days ahead and then stick to them." You are letting the other person know what you need in order to function at your best. Or you might say, "When you are more than 15 minutes late and don't call, I get worried. Then when you arrive and I find out that everything is fine, I feel annoyed. Since I value our relationship and being annoyed damages it, I will just assume that you got tied up and are not coming, if you do not call." When you let someone repeatedly ignore your boundaries without saying anything, they lose respect for you and you lose respect for yourself.

In the next week, begin to notice when you are taking on the emotions of someone else who is close to you. Do you find that your day is ruined if your partner comes home in a bad mood? Remember your partner's problems are not yours. You can be empathic and compassionate without getting into the muck and the mud yourself.

Not having boundaries or having loose ones is a sign that fear is driving your decisions. When you are confident in who you are and where you are going in your life it is easier to set effective boundaries.

And finally boundaries are all about self respect. When you respect yourself and show it, others will respect you more, your relationships will run more smoothly and your life works better.